Can't believe it's a year today.

21:59:00 Chinnyob 4 Comments

Today marks a year since I lost my dad. It was a terrible experience, I had never felt such amount of hurt, heartbreak, and emptiness in my whole life. It was, and still is, the most difficult thing I've ever experienced in my life. I never imagined people went through this much pain when they loose someone. When I was in high school my school daughter lost her dad, she was 11 and I was 15. As of then I thought I understood or felt as much as 25% of what she was going through because I cried with her, I was down with her, I was there for her each day in school but the truth was that I wasn't even close.

I had just moved to Ireland to start my new job and a week into it my dad passed away. I haven't settled into the country or the work, everything was still pretty much new for me. I lived alone in a small city and didn't know anyone there. I can still remember the day he passed, even though I wasn't told that day. He passed away on a Wednesday and my mum didn't call until Friday. I was on call that very Wednesday and all of a sudden I started having this weird feeling, I couldn't understand myself, I thought I was tired and needed to rest. All of a sudden I got a needle prick while taking a patients blood......... I started crying for no real reason.......... I was distressed......... I wasn't alright but couldn't tell what exactly it was. The following day I was screaming and crying while my colleagues tried to take my blood, to be sure I got nothing from the needle prick. I cried so much that I didn't understand myself because I usually don't cry when my blood is taken. So I wondered why I was crying so much over needles and unnecessary things, I couldn't understand, I was still praying for my dad to get better and was low on money so I couldn't call home.

Finally my mum calls me on Friday and I told her that I was still at work, so she said she will call me back later on. At night she called and sounded so off, she has never sounded like this before and I was worried. I asked about dad and she said "he was getting better". so why is she sounding different? she said everything was alright. So I called my guy and complained. He decides to call my brother, and after speaking with my brother he called me back and confirmed that all is well. Without me knowing that he was told of the bad news by my brother. My family didn't want to tell me because they knew I was alone, so they planned with my guy to get me over to his city for the weekend. He knew I wasn't gonna travel that weekend because I needed to understand what is going on with me...... I was so angry for no reason..... I was still crying without cause and I was frustrated with literally everything. So he made up a story about a terrible thing that happened in his family that he couldn't tell me over the phone. The following morning I travelled to his city, he was working that day so I had to go to the hospital to see him. After I got to the doctor's residence, he left the room for a second and my mum calls to tell me that my dad died on Wednesday night.

I wailed......... the worst thing ever has just happened to me ........ it crushed me..... I couldn't accept it ..... this can't be real. How can this happen and everyone is going about their businesses ......... I expected time to freeze .......... I wanted everything to be still, but it's not happening........ rather people are telling me "sorry for my loss", which is worse because sorry didn't bring him back. It was too much for me to handle, so I went into denial and occupied myself with work. Few weeks later I travelled home (Nigeria) for the funeral and indeed this became my new reality.

A year later today and I still feel pretty much the same, the vacuum he left is still as big as it was..... it hasn't shrunken in size. I love my dad, I miss my dad so much, I yearn to hug my dad, I last saw him in 2009 and I can't see him again or hear his voice again. All I have are memories of him which I will tell you guys about in a later date.

                                 Thanks for stopping by.

4 comments:

  1. Chinny I'm so sorry about your dad. But he'll always be proud of you. It's not an easy road to walk but God is with you and will strengthen you every step of the way. Your lovely friends (like my humble self) will always be there for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Lynda, I know you guys will always be there for me.

      Delete
  2. Nyenwa, Our aspiration is some day we will meet him to part no more. I know that any way he is,his wish to see you make it in life. May his soul continue to rest in peace.
    Chidinma

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes my sister. I will call you when things settle on my side.

      Delete

About Me

My photo
Join me as I ramble about fashion, outfits, style, health, inspirations and current obsessions.